Monday, December 31, 2012

2012 Bartender Cabbie Tuna Flapper Awards

This has been such a banner year for dickweedery, buffoonery, asshatery, assclownery, and downright vajayjayism that it is hard to pick those who are most deserving of a Tuna Flapper. There is such a host of deserving candidates that it would be an all day affair to sort it out. Therefore this year I am officially awarding only those on the short list. Others can be content that they are in the running I suppose........(As a point of business, none who are no longer among the living are eligible for a posthumous Tuna Flapper. They are standing tall before the Man and our silly earthly awards mean nothing. Therefore I will not dishonor the deceased no matter how deserving they may have been of recognition).

1. Piers Morgan: Piers is an ass and no mistake. A pompous ass! His recent rants on the "gun control" issue are just about over the top. It is annoying and bad enough when an American citizen is so shrill and ignorant on the issue, but to be lectured by a guy who, as a non American, really has no say in the "conversation" is about all that one can stomach. This guy was basically fired for journalistic incompetence and malfeasance in his native land and, for whatever reason, has landed on our shores and employed as a paid "journalist." It would be nice if he would go home, but it is doubtful that his countrymen have any more use for him than we have over here.

2. Dumbass Sheila Jackson Lee: Sheila should always be a contender for any laurels awarding dumbassery simply for just being Sheila.  A lovely, intelligent, and well grounded woman Lee is. No doubt.

3. Spike Lee: This little racist buffoon certainly qualifies for a Tuna Flapper. First there was the "tweeting" of one George Zimmerman's (the White Hispanic) address with evil intent only to discover that he "tweeted" the address of some elderly couple, thus possibly putting their very lives in danger. Their very lives!
 Not to be outdone with that fiasco he now is on record of damning Tarantino for his new film. Of course he believes it to be racist fare. Or some such. Spike's problem with Tarantino probably stems more from jealousy than anything else. Tarantino still has it while Spike is nothing more than a loud mouth, court side sitting, non entity.

4. Michael Berry: As difficult as it is to do so, local talk show legend Michael Berry has to be included here. For the uninitiated, Berry is a controversial conservative talk show host based in Houston who I suppose would be considered Double A when compared to those in the big leagues of conservative talk radio. There certainly is nothing wrong with that. A good job if you can get it I would imagine. One thing about Berry is that he tends to be right on the money with his assessments of society in general. He is very easy to agree with to be sure. I almost always agree with this guy!! Why the Tuna Flapper then? It is not easy to put a finger on, but there is something just not right with this cat. I am sure his groupies would disagree vehemently but I am going to stand by my guns here.

Earlier in the year Berry was involved in a little incident outside of a seedy gay club where he allegedly was the perpetrator in a minor (property damage) hit and run. Of course the whole issue went away after a while (which may be another story altogether perhaps), but some questions remain. Berry, a man about town, was just in the club for a "cold beer." Fine. No problem. As a man who seems rather well versed on the Houston "scene" he should have known though that this particular establishment is very well known for prostitution and a haven for drug use. He should have known! Everyone else does. More than a few cab drivers won't pick up at the place and for good reason. Be that as it may, it just seems that in a city the size of Houston, he could have picked a more reputable place to stop in for his "cold beer."
Of course the incident leaves open speculation about the tastes of young Michael. How could it not? The issue (and awardance of the Tuna Flapper) has nothing to do with whether or not Berry has appetites perhaps a bit removed from the mainstream. Who cares? Right? No, the reason for awarding a Tuna Flapper is solely based on his public reaction when the (rather amusing) episode came to light.

One of the first things that Berry did was hire a high powered attorney to handle what basically was a rather minor, (as such things go), affair. Fine and good. Nice to have that kind of jack laying around I suppose. He also went on the air (I am sure the transcripts are available) and basically threatened to release dirty laundry on all kinds of folk. Something like "the things I know about people." Or some such. In other words, it seemed (to me) that he was not going to go down without "exposing" a host of others concerning what I would assume are their peccadillos.. It sure sounded like that. You can bet that some folk keep information like that in their back pocket for use if and when it becomes necessary (the Petraeus incident come to mind). You can also bet that more than one within the local "powers that be" community has some skeletons that they would rather keep in the closet. Useful information I would imagine for those who are so inclined to "be in the know." I suspect that Berry is one of those who find dirt on others (potentially) useful.
Berry is deserving of a Tuna Flapper simply for his very public reaction to the affair. Who would have thought that it would have ever come to this?

4. John Covarrubias: This guy is rather under the radar for most but those of us who (sort of ) pay attention to local Houston area fruit loops are quite aware who he is. John is the author of which is a far left forum. That's no problem. His right to do so of course, although it is interesting to note that he was reportedly disciplined in his workplace for using their property (computers) to spew his nonsense. That shows some real intelligence to be sure. That is not why Covarrubias is awarded a Tuna Flapper though. Nope. What earns him the award is his use of allegedly threatening language on Twitter (of course) toward members of the NRA. He did issue an apology of sorts for being offensive, but using offensive language toward someone is a bit different than using (again allegedly) threatening language. Once that cat is out of the bag......

5. Dave Doeren: Who is this guy? Well he is the next coach of the NC State Wolfpack football team. He took the NC State job just before his former team; the NIU Huskies, are to play in the biggest game in school (and Middle American Conference) history. The Huskies will be meeting FSU in the Orange Bowl on the morrow and Doeren will not be on the sidelines to coach them. That is stupid. It is not often that a "mid major" team, not named Boise State, gets to crack the corrupt BCS system to prove their worth. If Doeren wanted a better paying job with a higher profile, so be it. It just seems like high scumbaggery to move on and leave your kids stranded before a bowl game. Of course Doeren is not the first to do so, but far as I can recall, he is the first to do so before his kids play in a real "BCS" game. Well there is Brett Bielema. Forgot about him. Same category as Doeren I guess. At any rate I am kind of thinking that Dave may have missed his only chance to ever coach in a "real" major bowl game. Could be wrong about that of course but am not remiss in awarding Coach Doeren a Tuna Flapper. It is well deserved.

6. Chris Mathews: He just needs to be awarded.

7. H. Clinton: Yes I know the woman has health issues. Allegedly. Well probably. At some point she will need to testify concerning her knowledge of the Benghazi affair. You know the little episode where Americans were brutally killed? The episode where no help was given or no fiery retribution taken? The episode where an improper ongoing affair may have been conveniently leaked to discredit a man who may have certain knowledge that would be detrimental to the current administration? Remember that one? I think you do. Mrs. Clinton certainly deserves a Tuna Flapper until  proven otherwise. As SecState the buck stops with her on this episode. Unless the cowardice and corruption is even a step above her pay grade.

8. Jim DeMint: Jim is awarded a Tuna Flapper for "retiring" from the Senate. His services are needed. Now more than ever. Kind of makes one wonder what the real reason is. Doesn't it?

9. Dick Durbin: This guy is a threat to liberty and needs always to, at the very least, be Tuna Flapper eligible.

10. Michael Bloomberg: The mayor of NYC is not only a problem for freedom loving folks in the Big Apple, but his reach is greater than his responsibility. As the mayor of America's "number one" city his nutty ideas are an influence to busy body fruitloops in all major burgs in the country. Right here in this neck of the woods we see the political class taking cues from his totalitarian ways. I wager that it won't be long before we in Houston see some sort of ban of "trans fats," large sweet drinks, smoking (already here), etc. etc. Bloomberg just needs to shut up but of course he won't. The Tuna Flapper was made for people like this.

There are hundreds of others both well known and otherwise who are deserving of a Tuna Flapper and this list is certainly not all inclusive.

We're just scratching the surface here.


Jayhawk said...

An online petition was created in America to deport Piers Morgan back to England. Another online petition was created in England not to accept him. Each petition received more than a million signatures, so both aspects of your supposition turn out to be correct.

I want a Tuna Flapper for Barbara Boxer for her public chastizement of an Army general for calling her "ma'am" instead of her preferred title of "Senator." I have called her "Senator Bitch" ever since.

As for Chris Matthews, you could have said "too numerous to mention."

Bartender Cabbie said...

I remember when Boxer did that. She was very disrespectful to that guy.

Bartender Cabbie said...

Piers may be a man without a country before long. Maybe he could go to Russia and lecture them. See how that works out for him.