Thursday, October 13, 2011

Advice For A Young Lad

So you are thinking about getting married eh? As a man who is on his sixth wife, (not really but stating such is an attention getter in conversation), I can tell you that there are a few things that are going to be changing in your life. If you don't realize that early, and get with the program, then you will have a few eye opening experiences. You may not like them.

One thing you will have to get used to is spending a long long time grocery shopping. It just seems to take women longer than most men to visit the green grocer. One way to get around this is to do the shopping yourself. Of course that in itself may be a source of conflict. Now if you are going to do the shopping you probably have to learn how to do it the proper way. You will learn this shopping with the wife (unless mommy taught you). You learn how, then just do it faster. You may already know how to shop properly. Probably not though, unless you are a wedding planner or interior decorator. If that is the case you probably would not be getting married anyway. Unless of course you live in state that allows alternative marriage.

Honesty is not always the best policy. Now I am not advocating being a liar, but there are just some things that need to be kept to yourself. If you go for a steak dinner and beers to a "gentleman's club" with your buddies, then it is perhaps best to just not mention it. Keep the venue to yourself as it were. If you foolishly mention that you went with the boys from the office to a titty club, fully expect your wife to not quite understand. It does not matter if they have the "best steaks in town." That won't work. She won't get it. You might not be getting any either.

Never under any circumstances just go buy a vehicle on your day off  without consulting with the boss. This one took me a while to get. I must be a hammerhead. It did it twice. I won't make the same mistake a third time I can tell you that. Don't believe me? Go ahead and bring that big truck home.

Fully expect to be informed that you will be going someplace or other. If the wife brings home tickets to the ballet then just sack up and go. Don't bitch and try not to act bored (if possible). If the big game is scheduled at the same time well then that is just too bad. Trust me on this.

Expect a project to be scheduled for you when you have plans to go fishing or something. Sometimes a compromise can be worked out in such cases. Sometimes not.

Expect for your wife to dislike some of your friends. You have to choose. If you have any maturity about you then you know what the choice will be. Of course some women are insufferable and it might just be best to keep the friends and ditch the wife. It happens. Most young guys have friends that are just fools. Some never ever grow up. You can admire them from afar but realize that they will likely, in the long run, be lonely.

Fully expect your wife to not understand you affinity for Asian (or any other kind) of porn. If you know who Long John was or would recognize Peter North at the green grocer then perhaps you should keep it to yourself. Of course there are those women.........

If you like to poon gaze (and who doesn't?) it is best to develop very discreet tactics when engaging in said activity. Expect to be questioned about it when you get caught (and you will). Thankfully this becomes less of an issue the older you get. Or at least it should.

A girls night out is something you will have to get used to most likely. These are wonderful opportunities to have a bit of time to yourself. You will learn that. Expect your wife to perhaps not understand you going "out with the boys" however.

This is just a small sample of things you will have to get used to. Stick it out (if you can). It really is for the best.


Mon Ten Old Guy said...

Always tell the wife when you go out for an evning with the boys that you will be home late, very late, maybe not untill the next afternoon. They do not care if you are home early, but be late...

Jayhawk said...

I do not ever let my wife go to the grocery store. Such an event is very good for the grocery store and very bad for me. She buys everything in sight.

"Why did you buy that?"
"It looked good."
"We had that last week. You hated it."
"Really? It looked good in the store."
"Oh yeah? Here try some."
"Oh, yuck."

Phil said...

A girls night out gives ya plenty of time for that one strain of porn ya like and if ya get lucky, she will come home just drunk enough to want to get a little.
That's a three way win in my book.

Crazy Life of a Writing Mom said...

I just met with a platoon of marines who went to Vietnam together. They were talking about things similar to this post. And one actually is on his sixth wife LOL! Oh they had me laughing so hard I was crying.

I swear that's one of the best times I've ever had. At one point one of the men said, "You're all right for a woman. You know, I might even call you a Good Shit." LOL! It was awesome!

Some women just need to understand that men are MEN. I mean seriously, isn't that the point of marrying a dude in the first place?

Bartender Cabbie said...

Yep the differences in the sexes is huge. Why have it any other way? Keeps things interesting.

I have heard that men who are married tend to live longer than those who are not. There are times I wonder how that can possibly be correct.