Sunday, August 18, 2013

Things Not To Do In Corporate America

Somehow or other I find my way back in corporate America. A trucking company true, but some of the nonsense that comes down the pike from the corporate types makes me wonder if we are in the trucking business at all.....The new one is some sort of truck rodeo that we have to plan (on a Saturday no less) for the drivers to participate in. Of course a couple of drivers (the nine to five types) are all for it, but the real drivers are cynical and those that are even home, are likely not to give up their time to come in for such nonsense. Still we must plan and put on this circus......

It is interesting yet predictable that the corporate honks misunderstand driver psychology to the extent that they do. Most drivers are not all that impressed with "free" hats and t shirts and could care less about the occasional "safety" banquets that they are "required" to attend. They find it silly and a waste of valuable home time. What a driver wants is a load that pays decently, equipment that does not leave them stranded, and reasonable home time. Period. Most are not interested in nonsense..........

Enough of all that driver talk. That can come later. Right now however I feel it my sacred duty to give some advice on the things you should just refrain from while working in a corporate environment. Read on.......

1. One should always refrain from greeting coworkers with a "how you doing" in some way out "urban" dialect. If done correctly it comes out as a "how you durin" and, well, some folks would just take that the wrong way. Keep this one in mind....

2. Never ever tell a person of color that they remind you of someone else. Ever. That will bring forth a "we all look alike to you don't we" thing and you just don't want to travel down that road. Do you? I'm pretty sure you don't.

3. If you have access to "random drug test" information, then it would be prudent to wait until the list for the current month is out before partaking in the bounty of the earth. Once you have it and you are in the clear, smoke a little then cleanse and wait until the next month. Works for some folk.  So I hear.

4. Never sing the Sophie B Hawkins' tune I wish I Was Your Lover while dancing wildy in front of an attractive co worker. Might give the wrong impression.

5. Don't play country music at your desk. Believe it or not you could be considered a racist of sorts. I shit you not.(I'm in the clear here as I detest most country music). It is ok however to play gangsta rap as long as the "fucks"  and "niggas" don't get too loud and disturb your fellow sheep. (Although if someone does complain you can always say you are a victim of "discrimination." It might work for you and could extend your career by years before the corporate "legal team" decides it is ok to can your silly ass.

6.. You probably need to scrape the Confederate flag sticker off the bumper of your vehicle before parking in the corporate lot. Might save you some heartache. It is ok however to have "La Raza" or some sort of Black "separatist" memorabilia plastered on your vehicle. Taking a stand as it were......

7.. Don't announce to your coworkers that you are going home to "get your knob polished" or any type thing similar.

8. Probably be best not to point out the obvious on the state of Islam either.

9. If you think that Sharpton, Jackson and Co. are a bunch of race baiting opportunists, it would be in your best interest to keep that to yourself.

10. Don't use the word "fag" in any context. Ever.

Just following these few simple steps might keep you off the radar of the HR dept and save you untold grief.

You're welcome.

How 'bout some corporate babe Rule 5? Again, you're welcome.

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