Yesterday I introduced my little dog and wrote about his unfortunate altercation with a bicyclist. As Double OO Spool ( the late Jack Nance) said in the David Lynch Film "Wild at Heart:" "Mentally you picture my dog , but I have not told you the type of dog it is that I have. Perhaps you even picture Toto from the "Wizard of Oz." I really can't tell you what type of dog he is. He has also requested that I withhold his name to, as he put it, "protect the guilty." I will tell you that it is always and adventure hanging out with him. He is very funny, smart and pretty darn good looking in an odd sort of way. I guess one could probably describe him as a cross between Pomeranian, Chihuahua and Rat Terrier. He has expressive brown eyes and a little curl for a tail. He loves the cats that he was originally introduced to, but is terrified of kittens. He has no problem chasing people out of the yard, even though it would be very easy to drop kick him 50 yards. A "Doberman attitude with a Chihuahua body" is how a meat salesman described him one afternoon.
He came into our life a couple of years ago. We drove into the yard after a long weekend mini vacation and there he was. He was just sitting there like he was waiting for us. My daughter asked me if she could keep him, and for whatever reason, I said yes. My wife thought I was out of my mind as we already had a handful of cats, not to mention a rodent in a cage living in our home. We really should charge admission to come into our house. At any rate, I said yes, and the dog became ours. I didn't think he would last long however as he had a propensity to take off running across the street. A street on which the local rednecks love to drive 60 mph. The little dog just did not seem to have any fear of traffic whatsoever. I got really tired of chasing his ass around to bring him back to the house and so I finally bought a leash. He had only been with us for a short while when I began to notice that weird episodes were associated with his presence.
The second or third time I took him for his walk an odd episode occurred. I was perhaps two or three blocks from the house when an old man yelled "Careful Corporal, the Germans have some artillery observers somewhere around here. They have been dropping 105's all day long on the road just ahead." Remembering that he was a senile ex WWII infantry officer I said, "Thank you sir, I will be careful." Then, "Boy that goat you have with you is miscegenated" he said, referring to my dog I assume. I could not resist " Yes sir, I know he is, but so is your great granddaughter." He just smiled and nodded then said "We captured us a command Tiger this morning. Did you know those Huns keep beer in the tank with them?" I just said "yes sir" and leaving him with his remembrances, continued on my way.
A few days later we had some rather interesting visitors at the house. We have a neighbor, who is a rather large Black woman with the name of, get this, Aquanetta Jackson. I have never heard of a name quite like Aquanetta and often wondered how it is she came to be called such. She one day, in her normal semi drunken state, told me that her mother loved to use a product called Aqua Net and decided that Aquanetta would be "a pretty name for a pretty girl." She also said that it was not an uncommon name. I thought that was pretty funny and no more stupid than people saddling their children with Travis, Justin, Cletus, and other assorted redneck racecar names. I have often thought that Jeff Foxworthy should include that with his "you might be a redneck" jokes. Something like, "You might be a redneck if you name your kid Travis?" Well, you get the picture. Anyway, we also had visiting us that day a local college professor named Troy who has a habit of partaking in the grape a bit too much, especially on Sunday afternoons. There were also assorted other neighbors with their children running around, playing in the back yard plastic pool, and generally being a pain in the ass. It was a nice day, not a cloud in the sky, steaks on the grill, kids playing, and the beer and ice tea tasted especially good. Then it happened. Our little dog walked into the living room and Aquanetta let out a scream "That dog is miscegenated, Good Lord he's miscegenated." She was so upset that it startled the rest of us into silence. Our little dog just looked at her with his big brown eyes, turned his head to the side slightly as he often does, and charged. He ran at top speed, jumped, then latched himself onto Aquanetta's leg with a full fledged Peter North cock grip. He was pumping for all he was worth and Aquanetta's big ass was spinning like a top on one leg with our little dog just humping away. She was screaming at the top of her lungs and I was afraid that she would spin right into a wall and crash right through. My wife ran to Aquanetta's assistance and was kicked by her flailing leg and fell across the couch. I just sat there stunned. The children and other adults that weren't outside watched just as stunned as I was just waiting to see what would happen next. Finally centrifugal force slung the dog off and Aquanetta collapsed on the floor with a very large thud. She was braying like some sort of barnyard animal moaning "Sweet Jesus" over and over. Then Troy said it. "Madam, that dog might be miscegenated but he certainly is not miscogynated" Aquanetta, finally getting her wits somewhat about her, screamed, "Shut your mouth you evil little white devil or I wont be letting you past my porch evah again." This confirmed what I had somewhat suspicioned for quite some time. Well if that wasn't enough, one of the children, a boy named James, began to move his pelvis back and forth and informed us that "that dog was lumping on Miss Jackson just like Daddy does on the mail lady." General pandemonium ensued. Thankfully James' mother was at work at the hospital at the time or I am sure the police would have been called. Of course, she found out later that night what had transpired and it became a cause for some rather public marital discord. I was grateful that people began to drift home after that. We did have to have a discussion with our daughter concerning the "lumping" that our dog was doing on Aquanetta's leg, but all considered, that was a pretty small consequence of the days' proceedings. Gunplay can be the outcome of such events.
We love our little dog and he often gets involved in funny little episodes. I can't help but wonder, with a sense of anticipation and a little bit of dread ,when he will instigate another insane event.
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