Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Democrats are Weenies and Republicans are Space Aliens

I bartend part time in the Houston area and have done so for quite a number of years. I have worked events that make some of the scenes from the Tom Cruise movie "Cocktail" look pretty tame. Some of the Super Bowl and NBA Allstar Game parties were so busy it was almost amazing. I have also had the pleasure of working some major Democrat and Republican Party events and have noticed quite a bit of difference in the drinking habits, general behavior, and most amazingly even the differences in the "looks" of those folks.

The largest Democrat party event that I worked was held at the Hyatt Regency Downtown in Houston. I believe it was the state or some kind of regional convention and the ballroom was packed with probably over 800 people. This would usually cause no real problem except that the Hyatt only provided 9 or 10 bartenders for the event. Usually even this would not be a real big deal if the drinkers ordered wine , beer and quick and easy drinks. Democrats, even the men, tend to drink labor intensive foofoo drinks. The result of course was nothing less than chaotic as people were ordering drinks that take a little extra time. I even had one twidget at my bar wanting a Creamsickle. Have you ever heard of a "Wicky Wacky Woo?" I never had, but I learned to make one that night. One thing is certain; these Democrats pound down the alcohol and get quite loud. There was dancing, some of it dirty, and very heavy drinking. At one point Dumbass Sheila Jackson Lee got on stage and addressed the crowd. From the reaction you would have thought that Bill himself had made a surprise appearance. I am pretty sure that some of these folks would have had to been carried out if the Hyatt had provided another couple of bartenders to make the service faster. I also noticed that the Democrats had a certain look. The crowd seemed to be pretty equally divided between men and women. A lot of the women were pretty good looking but I saw no stunners. Some of them looked a little in need of a bath. Perhaps the men were the most diverse. I saw a few hippy types, quite a few that looked a little light in the loafers, and a good many that looked moneyed, young and hip. There were a few older limousine liberals in attendance also. At one point one guy asked me if I was a Republican or Democrat. I gave him some non committal answer because I did not want to put any tip in jeopardy. I could not bring myself to identify with these goobers though, tips notwithstanding. What really surprises me was that I got out of there without anyone asking to blow me. That was good as it doubtless would have been a guy.

Republicans are so different from the Democrats that it is hard to believe that they are the same species. I have worked two different Republican events, on major and one minor. The large event was held at the Hilton Americas in downtown Houston, which is a much newer and nicer venue than the Hyatt. Republicans are drinkers also but their tastes tend to be in the Cabernet Sauvignon, beer, and Scotch or Crown and water category. Serving Republicans is much easier than Dems. At first glance a Democrat function is much more interesting to watch than a Republican one. There was heavy drinking and dancing but no borderline depravity on the dance floor. They also made a lot of noise when that ass Tom DeLay made an appearance, but it was not orgiastic. They are a much more subdued bunch. They certainly do not tip real well. There were not a lot of women at the Hilton event, but there were a few stunners ( I think some were "escorts). I would guess it was about at 70 man to 30 women ratio. Like I said, on the surface they just do not seem as interesting than as the Democrats but look a little closer however and one might notice something really disturbing. Some of those people did not look human! I know that sounds crazy but I honestly noticed that some of them looked like humanoids. I saw a documentary recently where a Japanese scientist or engineer built a robot that was a remarkable likeness of him, but still had an odd plastic look look about it. That was what some of these Republicans looked like; plastic, robotic, and humanoid. I even asked my bartending partner if she thought some of the people looked odd and she confessed she thought so also. I did not elaborate on my suspicions, but I came to the conclusion that some of those folks were space aliens.

Some say that the Republicans and Democrats are the same, but I know otherwise. Many Democrats tend to be weenies, swingers and twits while many Republicans are not from this planet at all.

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